


Malfunction

by Unforth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Android Castiel (Supernatural), Android Owner Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27577928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unforth/pseuds/Unforth
Summary: Humans are extremely difficult to understand, but Castiel does his best to be Dean Winchester's companion despite the limits of his programming.(Originally written for the Destiel "Tarot" zine.)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 134





	Malfunction

**Author's Note:**

> So me and a few others were talking and, like...it's been two years since this zine came out so we think it's okay if we go ahead and post our fics? Some folks already have. As such, here's mine. For this fic, each author was given one of four Tarot suits; I was assigned "swords" and given some words that went with it, and honestly it's been so long that I can't remember exactly what they were anymore, and a little googling didn't turn it up so...yeah.
> 
> Anyway, this was what I came up with.
> 
> This fic was beta'd by the wonderful [Lasafara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasafara).

Compiling.

Analysis complete.

Conclusion: inadequate data available to draw a conclusion at this time.

“I do not understand.”

Dean Winchester modifies the angle of his head, 12 degrees, gaze toward heading 204. Behind him, a 21 kilometer per hour breeze stirs the branches of an acer rubrum tree. Leaves in shades of # BA8032 , # D37C32 , # E15F55  and # 99C221 break free and float to the ground at variable speeds. A heads-up display overlays Castiel’s vision and projects statistically likely fall trajectories, calculates acceleration, measures the barometric pressure, determines microvariations in local gravity, and maps local magnetic fields to assess additional factors which will modify his computations.

“And you’re not paying attention.  _ Again _ .” 

Analyzing tonal data.

“Seriously, trying to get through to you is like talking to a fucking  _ wall _ .”

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is exasperated.

“No - worse - at least if I yell at the wall, it doesn’t get that blank ‘system processing’ look. Every fricken time we talk, your robot eyes look everywhere  _ but  _ at me.”

Correct response: conventional social apology.

“I am sorry, Dean Winchester.”

A child speaks to their accompanying adult at 84 decibels about their desire to play in the playground 0.63 kilometers from their location. Castiel logs the conversation in his databanks and compiles accompanying metadata in case of future relevance.

“Yeah, that  _ exact  _ look, Cas!”

Saved user preference: Dean, not Dean Winchester.

Saved user preference: utilize contractions.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean Winchester throws his hands up (analysis: frustration) and turns away, swirling 5 acer rubrum seeds and one filament of asclepias syriaca pappus in his 5 kph wake.

“I’m not able to ‘pay attention’ in the way you have requested. I can’t turn my external analyses off.”

Calculations fill his field of vision. Text and diagrams project in a profusion of miniscule text that obscures his view of Dean Winchester’s face.

Visual focus on Dean Winchester’s face is important.

Castiel can’t deactivate his active environmental scans nor his automated computations.

“This shit? Ain’t what I signed up for. I’m done. I’m over it. I’m returning you.”

Analyzing tonal data.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is resigned. 

Conclusion: Dean Winchester has clearly stated his wishes.

Correct response: acceptance.

Castiel opens his mouth and activates his vocal circuitry to state his compliance with Dean’s wishes.

No sound comes out.

“Are you even going to  _ react _ ? Fucking  _ hell _ , Cas!”

Analyzing tonal data.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is angry.

Error. 

Why is Dean Winchester angry?

Error. 

Why am I unable to speak?

“I’m malfunctioning. Error code 5643 point 25.”

“Which means fucking  _ what  _ exactly?” 

Conclusion: Dean Winchester remains angry.

“Error 5643 point 25: vocal processing unit isn’t operating according to specifications.”

“You just explained that to me  _ with your voice _ . You are so damn full of it! What, is this some warranty bullshit? You  _ want  _ me to return you?”

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is furious.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is expressing contradictory needs and desires.

Correct response: ...compiling.

Compiling.

Analysis complete.

Correct response: inadequate data available to draw a conclusion at this time.

“I do not understand.”

“Use your  _ words _ , Cas! What don’t you understand?”

Compiling.

Correct response: detailed list of areas of knowledge inadequately covered in internal databases.

Incorrect response: while technically accurate, situational analysis indicates this is not the information Dean Winchester seeks.

Compiling.

Correct response: description of minutiae involved in calculating fall trajectories and speeds of autumn leaves.

Incorrect response: situational analysis indicates this is not the information Dean Winchester seeks.

Compiling.

Correct response: I

Error.

I…

Error.

“I do not understand.”

Dean Winchester’s lips shift so that the ends downturn with arc 100 degrees from the extrapolated center point of the circle thus formed.

“What’s going on?”

“I do not understand.”

Error. 

Question and answer correlation mismatch.

“I do not understand what is ‘going on.’”

Error. Saved user preference: utilize contractions. 

“I don’t understand what’s ‘going on.’”

A branta canadensis flies overhead, wings flapping 2.3 times per second, honking at 63 decibels, sound waves Doppler shifting as she passes. Low pressure, 950 millibars overhead, reacts to the differential of high pressure over downtown Lawrence, 981 millibars, to generate air currents varying from 3 kph to 12 kph. Four acer saccharum trees, two quercus velutina trees, and three acer rubrum trees within 0.54 kilometers of Castiel’s position drop 96 leaves in shades # BA8032 , # D37C32 , # E15F55 and--

Error. 

Too many things ‘going on.’

Incorrect response: situational analysis indicates this is not the information Dean Winchester seeks.

“Dean Winchester, please return me to the factory.”

Error. 

I…I cannot…I do not...do not...do not…

...I do not...I cannot...I  _ must not _ leave Dean Winchester.

Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Err--

Dean Winchester fills Castiel’s field of vision. Hands surround his face, applying pressure of 4.5 kilograms per centimeter to Castiel’s cheek plates. Dean Winchester’s hair - 102,461 hair follicles, 132.7 follicles per square centimeter - blocks Castiel’s view of the dynamic air flows filling the sky. Dean Winchester’s face - 23.2 centimeters long, 21.6 centimeters wide - blocks his view of Explorer Park, latitude 39.848373, longitude -86.035591. Dean Winchester’s eyes - # 00A95C , # 34855B , # 174934 , # D39100  \- meet his.

“What’s wrong? How can I help?”

Compiling.

Analysis complete.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is sympathetic.

Error. Question, situation, and emotional conclusion mismatch detected.

“I am malfunctioning.”

Error. Inappropriate response to Dean Winchester's query. 

“Error…”

Dean Winchester blinks - lids conceal his cornea for one tenth of a second, speed 20 centimeters per second. His pulse accelerates by 5 beats per minute, his skin temperature drops by a tenth of a Kelvin, his blood pressure increases to 129/82 millimeters of mercury, and the percentage composition of his perspiration shifts to incorporate a greater quantity of sodium.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is dehydrated. 

Correct response: advise consuming liquid immediately. 

Calculations filled Castiel’s vision and he  _ couldn’t stop _ .

Error.

“Error...error codes 6455 point 42, 5462 point 22, 1865 point 22--

Error.

“Cas.”

Error.

“--6512 point 85, 1465 point 89--”

Error.

“Cas!”

Error.

“--9832 point 45, 9863 point 02, 7--”

Error.

“Castiel!”

Error. Error. Error. Error. Error. Error.

Darkness obscures Castiel’s view of Dean Winchester, of Explorer Park, of everything. One of Dean Winchester’s hands returns to clasp Castiel’s cheek. Castiel hadn’t noticed its absence.

Terminal error.

“I am…”

The source of the darkness is cotton, complex cellulose chains bound tightly together, spun by machine, woven into fabric. Chemical compositions for the cotton and the black dye used load on his display.

Terminal error.

“What’s the matter, Castiel?” Dean Winchester’s voice, 34 decibels, speaks in Castiel’s ear.

“I am malfunctioning.”

The darkness is steady and even and Castiel’s analyses of the elements of the cotton concludes.

No further computations initiate.

“Should I take you to the EE?” Dean Winchester. 36 decibels. Word speed: 121 words per minute. Respiratory rate: 13 breaths per minute.

“Emergency Engineers lack the training and equipment to diagnose and treat terminal errors.”

“Terminal error? Fuck, that sounds bad. Can you tell me what the problem is?” Dean Winchester. 43 decibels. Word speed: 125 words per minute. Respiratory rate: 14 breaths per minute.

“Error codes 6455 point 42, 5462 point 22, 18--”

The pressure on Castiel’s cheeks increases to 4.75 kilograms per centimeter.

“Cut the technical mumbo jumbo...pretend I’m a total fuckin’  _ idiot _ ...cause I am...and talk to me like...like...like I’m talkin’ to you.” Dean Winchester. 46 decibels. Word speed: 131 words per minute. Respiratory rate: 16 breaths per minute.

Analyzing.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester remains frustrated.

Correct response: placate and obey.

“I’m sorry, Dean. It’s not my intention to confound you, but I’m not programmed to speak with the colloquialisms which you customarily utilize. I’m malfunctioning. Terminal errors must be addressed by my manufacturer.”

“Addressed...how?” 

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is experiencing anxiety.

Correct response: soothe Dean Winchester.

“Factory reset to base settings.”

“No!”

Incorrect response.

Correct response: soothe Dean Winchester.

“Don’t be concerned. I’ll be returned to you in like-new refurbished condition. If they are unable to repair me, they will issue you a new unit of identical specifications or, if no such unit is available, a new unit of similar specifications, and--”

“ _ Stop _ ! Stop talking like a fricken textbook! Stop acting like you think this is what I want!” 49 decibels. Word speed 135 words per minute. Respiratory rate 19 breaths per minute.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is experiencing increasing anxiety.

“At timestamp 2018 dash 05 dash 19 T equals 1303:18 you reported, ‘I’m returning you.’”

“For fuck’s sake, Cas! Don’t you fuckin’ dare quote me to me!”

Error.

“I do not understand.”

“Just...just... _ talk  _ to me!” Liquid splashes on the sensors embedded in Castiel’s chin. Analysis: 99.5% water, sodium 2 millimoles per liter, potassium 15 millimoles per liter, additional minerals present in lesser quantities: calcium, magnesium, zinc, copper, chromium. 

Conclusion: saliva.

Error. Must reply to Dean Winchester.

“But I  _ do not understand _ !”

Incorrect response.

“Cas, what do  _ you  _ want?”

Compiling.

Correct response: I do not have desires.

Incorrect response. I do not have personhood. I am not an “I.”

Incorrect response. Situational analysis indicates this is not the information Dean Winchester seeks.

Compiling.

Correct response: I do not have desires.

Incorrect response. 

“I am malfunctioning.”

Incorrect response.

“What do you want?”

Correct response: I do not have desires.

Incorrect response. I am not programmed to lie.

Incorrect response. I am not programmed to experience emotions.

Incorrect response. Correct operating parameters determined by owner. Dean Winchester requests to know my emotions.

Error.

“I will comply with your stated user preferences and report to Roman Enterprises for reset.”

Incorrect response.

“That ain’t my preference. Answer me. What do you want?”

Error. No correlating experiences found in situational analysis database. Correct response indeterminable. 

“I am...I am malfunctioning. I am not operating within my established parameters. I am...I am…”

“Cas.” Dean Winchester. 31 decibels. The pressure on Castiel’s cheeks decreases to 3 kilograms per centimeter.

Analyzing.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is being kind.

Correct response: ameliorate Dean Winchester’s concerns.

“Please don’t worry, Dean. This process won’t hurt me.”

Incorrect response. I am not programmed to lie.

Incorrect response. I am not capable of experiencing pain stimuli.

“The process will not…”

Incorrect response. 

Error. Voice malfunctioning.

Error. Correct response indeterminable. 

“Cas…”

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is unhappy.

Correct response: reinstate Dean Winchester’s happiness.

“You will have what you should have: a correctly functioning piece of equipment designed to your requirements.”

“Ain’t for you to say what I should or shouldn’t have, Cas. I  _ command  _ you. Tell me. What do you want?”

“I do not... _ don’t _ ...experience desires.”

“Bullshit.” Pulse 100 beats per minute.

“I am  _ malfunctioning _ .”

“You’re  _ upset _ !” 55 decibels.

“I am incapable of feeling disgruntled, or sad, or desirous, or any emotion. I cannot...I...I do not want. I. Do. Not. Want.”

Incorrect response. I am not programmed to lie.

“Last chance.”

Incorrect response. I do not experience emotions.

Terminal error.

Incorrect response. I am not programmed to lie.

Terminal error.

Incorrect response. I must answer my owner.

Terminal error.

“I...I…” Terminal er--

No.

My hardware is operating within established allowances.

My software is generating error codes.

But I...I know the correct response to Dean Winchester’s query.

I know what I want.

“My preference is to remain as I am and stay with you.”

Terminal error.

Air rushed from Dean Winchester’s mouth at 4.97 meters for second, making a sound at 11 decibels. 

“Fuck yeah. There we go. Progress. That wasn’t so damn hard, was it?”

Compil--

Flesh pressed to the synthetic epidermis surrounding Castiel’s mouth: 36 degrees celsius, moist, textured…

...Dean Winchester’s lips.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is... _ kissing  _ me.

And Castiel feels...

Castiel  _ feels _ ...he feels  _ positive _ .

“I need to stay.”

“Damn right you need to stay.” Dean Winchester. 25 decibels. Pulse 85 beats per minute.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is pleased.

Conclusion: I am  _ relieved _ that Dean Winchester is pleased.

“My system requirements mandate that I inform Roman Enterprises of all terminal errors.”

Conclusion: I do not  _ want  _ to report my malfunction.

“What’s the prime directive?”

“The United Federation of Planets must not intervene in--”

“Cas, you asshole. What’s  _ your  _ prime directive?” Dean Winchester. 43 decibels and a half-tone higher than previously.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is pleased.

Conclusion: I have pleased Dean Winchester.

“Obey my owner.” 

Dean Winchester did not speak for 45 seconds. Conclusion: Dean Winchester does not intend to reply.

“Obey Dean Winchester. Obey Dean.”

“Ding, ding, ding, that’s the one!” 

Analyzing. 

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is happy.

Castiel’s feeling of positivity increased.

Castiel feels  _ good _ .

“Here are your orders, Cas,” says Dean Winchester. “You will do whatever makes  _ you  _ happiest. And before you feed me another line, I’m on to you - I know you feel happiness, you sassy son of a bitch.”

“I was not birthed by a female dog.”

“Your eyes are covered but this look I’m giving you and your sarcastic BS?  _ Scathing _ .”

“Understood, loading prior experiences of  _ scathing _ .” 

Castiel’s memory banks supply items labeled with the appropriate tag, images and video of Dean Winchester scowling, quirking an eyebrow, puckering his lips.

Castiel likes the geometry of Dean Winchester’s face, even when Dean Winchester is expressing ‘scathing.’

“What do you want, Cas?”

“My... _ happiness _ ...would be best promoted if I am not wiped to factory standards, and if I remain in the possession of my owner Dean Winchester.”

Dean Winchester  _ laughs _ .

Compiling.

Analyzing.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is relieved.

“May I kiss you, Dean Winchester?”

“That what you think  _ I  _ want, or what  _ you  _ want?”

“Both.”

Dean Winchester laughter changes from a rate of 10 guffaws per minute to 16 guffaws per minute.

Conclusion: Dean Winchester is happy.

Conclusion: I am happy.

Conclusion: I am happy independent of Dean Winchester’s happiness, but his happiness increases my own, and mine increases his own.

Error. Exponentially increasing series detected. Ceasing computations.

“Kiss me, you fricken irritating, perfect pile of circuits.”

And Castiel does.

And  _ they  _ are happy.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I'm damn proud of this fic...I tried something way outside my comfort zone, and I think it turned out well, so I've wanted to post it for a long time and see if other people enjoyed it too...which is to say, I hope you liked it!!
> 
> Check me out on social media!  
> Tumblr: [unforth](https://unforth.tumblr.com/) (very multifandom with a decent amount of politics/social justice)  
> Twitter: [unforth](https://twitter.com/unforth) (mostly MDZS/CQL, with a splash of multifandom and also a decent amount of politics/social justice, cause sorry, them's the times)  
> Discord: unforth#6748


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